26 October, 2011
WoW - I Thought I Saw...
This week's exercise is another stream of conciousness...I really enjoy these, I think they take my writing to really interesting places that even I'm not anticipating! The challenge is to start with the words 'I thought I saw...' and go from there.
I thought I saw that look flicker behind your eyes. I tried to make you look at me but you turned away, hiding your face as if doing the dishes was suddenly the most important thing in the world. I know that look. I’ve given it before, even though it broke my heart. There’s no hiding that look, even when you think you’re poker faced. I try to tell myself that I didn’t see what I thought I saw, sitting at the kitchen table and absently fiddling with the salt shaker. I never ever thought I would see that look from you, in your eyes. I’m glad you turned away, I can’t bear to see that poison hiding behind your eyes. I have no words, you are my world. I don’t know where this came from, I don’t know what I’ve done. Or maybe didn’t do. But I tried so very hard, to be perfect for you. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough, that I’m not enough. My veins feel like they’re on fire as the shock of it burns through me. It hurts, I don’t know what I’ll do. I never imagined being without you, and even now I can’t, but I love you too much to let you be trapped forever with that look in your eyes. That look…that I thought I saw.
I love that when I start these types of exercises I have no idea where they're going - it's so exciting to see a story unfolding!
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11 comments (+add yours?)
That look - we've probably all seen it or given it at sometime. Surly the most painful thing to see.
I really felt the sadness and hopelessness of this. You described it so well.
That was a very good post. It makes me want to read more. Where could the story be going?
Oh this breaks my heart...your piece is beautiful but so heartbreaking! Thank you for sharing.
Very powerful Sheri! I love the line "My veins feel like they're on fire as the shock of it burns through me." It's amazing how much body language and facial expressions really convey our feelings.
Incredibly powerful language and imagery behind this piece. Very real, like I could feel it all around me. Nice work.
Sheri, this was heartbreaking. That realisation that things aren't going to work out... so painful.
Your character's turmoil is evident in your short sentence structure.
Well done!
This is very powerful. I can relate to the piece; I know looks (as in the way someone looks at you) can kill. I hope I never have to go through that with a loved one, especially if I don't know what it is I did wrong. Very well written.
/ Rain
I like how you paired the vagueness of knowing a look with the concrete details like the salt shaker. It made it feel very grounded and stronger.
:)
I think your description here is really true-to-life of this kind of heartbreaking moment between two people.
I would have liked the issue behind the look to be revealed towards the end I think, there's so many things it could possibly be and after the big build up, I wanted to know what it was all about.
Sheri, this is super! What a painful moment... the first half really made me feel like I was right there in her moment of revelation, as it happens... it's the little physical descriptions like 'fiddling with the salt shaker' that kept me anchored in the scene. The second half is like a poetic monologue, and has such beautiful and heartfelt reflections we can all relate to.
"I love you too much to let you be trapped forever with that look in your eyes."
- gorgeous.
Nice one bringing it together with the title line at the end. Well done. :D
Wow. The free writing exercises really work for you. Powerful piece, amazing that this all came from a stream of consciousness. I agree with Jayne, the short sentence structure helps the feeling of the piece. Great!
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